Ah, folks, gather round for the latest chapter in the never-ending saga of “Do as I Say, Not as I Do,” starring none other than President Joe Biden himself. In a twist that surprises absolutely no one paying attention, a Justice Department report has come out, revealing that Biden, in a moment of sheer “oopsie-daisy,” managed to retain and even share highly classified materials after his vice-presidential tenure. We’re talking military secrets, foreign policy insights on Afghanistan, and other juicy national security tidbits. But here’s the kicker: despite this glaring oopsie, there won’t be any charges. Surprise, surprise!

Special Counsel Robert Hur, bless his heart, took a deep dive into Biden’s personal library of classified info, only to conclude that while Joe definitely had a penchant for keeping souvenirs from his VP days, he shouldn’t be held accountable. Apparently, misplacing top-secret documents is just a minor faux pas if you’re on the right side of the political aisle.

Let’s not forget the impeccable timing of this revelation, shall we? As Biden gears up to potentially face Trump again, this little scandal might just put a dent in his “holier-than-thou” armor. After all, how can he point fingers at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago collection when he’s got his own stash?

Hur’s findings suggest a mix of “whoops” and “willful” in Biden’s document drama. While some documents ended up at the Penn Biden Center and other Biden locales by “mistake,” the report conveniently labels the retention as unintentional. And in the world of politics, intention is everything, isn’t it?

Now, let’s not overlook the delicious irony of Biden taking a break from managing an international crisis to ensure he sat down with investigators, eager to clear his name. Because priorities.

This whole ordeal shines a spotlight on Biden’s handling of sensitive documents, especially those related to Afghanistan. It seems Joe wanted to keep a personal record of his opposition to certain military decisions. Who needs official archives when you’ve got a garage and a basement, right?

And in case you’re wondering, yes, there were photos of these classified documents chilling next to ladders and wicker baskets. Because nothing screams “national security” like a cozy garage setting.

Despite all the evidence, Hur decided not to recommend charges, citing Biden’s authority to have classified documents at home and, let’s face it, a convenient case of “limited memory.”

So, here we are, folks. Another day, another double standard in the hallowed halls of justice. As we marvel at the spectacle, let’s not forget the wise words of Thomas Jefferson: “The most sacred of the duties of a government [is] to do equal and impartial justice to all its citizens.” Seems like some lessons from history are harder to learn than others.

Puppet’s Points:

• Biden’s “finders keepers” approach to classified documents is okay because, well, reasons.
• Charges? Please. We don’t do that to our side.
• Memory loss is a valid legal defense if you’re political royalty.
• Garage storage: the new Fort Knox for classified documents.
• The double standard in justice is more blatant than ever ”“ if you needed more proof.
• Jefferson’s rolling in his grave at the “impartial justice” on display.

There you have it, a tale of forgetfulness, garages, and not-so-classified-anymore documents, served with a side of political immunity. Only in America, folks, only in America.